Night of the Demons / Nightmare at Noon

Tired of big Hollywood stinkers like “Assassin’s Creed” and “Beauty and the Beast”? Ready for some serious B-movie fun? Prepare yourself for two movies out on DVD that are way more entertaining than that “Boss Baby” crap.

First up is the 2009 remake of “Night of the Demons,” which stars Shannon Elizabeth (from “American Pie”), Monica Keena (from “Freddy Vs. Jason”) and Edward Furlong (no introduction needed). This film follows the basic plot and features many of the same exploitative elements (read: boobs) that made the 1988 movie with Linnea Quigley (who cameos here) so much fun. In short, a bunch of dorky college kids plus a drug dealer (Furlong) get together at an old New Orleans manor to celebrate Halloween. Soon they discover that the house is a conduit for demons who want to possess seven of them and take over the world. Can Edward Furlong and company stop taking heroin and playing spin the bottle long enough to save the world?

This is a $10 million film that went straight to video, probably because the original film is not nearly as famous as classics like “The Omen” and “Halloween.” The story is acceptable and the special effects, makeup effects, and other technical attributes are really good. The only actor to make an impression is Furlong, who plays his part convincingly and with pathos. He deserves a chance at a comeback. Overall, the film is about as good as the original, which means it’s undistinguished but tons of fun. Readers are advised to rent it on Netflix.

Second up is 1988’s “Nightmare at Noon,”(aka “Death Street U.S.A.”) a truly whacko ripoff of “The Crazies” about a mute albino (played by Brion James) who starts a government experiment by contaminating the water of a small town, turning those unfortunate people who drink it into crazed killers. Meanwhile, a scummy lawyer (played by Wings Hauser) and his wife pick up a hitchhiker (Bo Hopkins) on their way into this town while the sheriff (played by George Kennedy) and his daughter try to figure out what’s going on.

Basically this starts as a zombie film, turns into sort of a western (“High Noon” is playing at the town drive-in.), and then it turns into a high-concept “Blue Thunder” kind of thing. It’s completely crazy and absolutely never dull. George Kennedy is great, the technical credits are good and the music by Stanley Myers and Hans Zimmer are very effective. Bo Hopkins and Wings Hauser are quite the team, having also starred together in “Mutant,” In short, this is a crazy killer B film that is worth seeking out.

I should note, in closing, that I had never heard of either of these two films before picking them up. As a result, they were much better than expected. Check out “Night of the Demons” (2009) and “Nightmare at Noon” if you want good old-fashioned B-movie fun! –CoolAC

Phones That Kill

Imagine if you could be killed for answering the phone at the wrong time. Well, that’s what veteran director Michael Anderson (“Logan’s Run,” “Orca”) did and the result is “Murder by Phone,” a 1981 thriller so outlandish that I’m shocked it hasn’t been available since a 1982 VHS release. The idea is this: a disgruntled former phone company employee has found a deadly phone signal. First, you make the mistake of answering his call. Then, he pushes a button and the signal is transmitted. First, you go deaf from the signal. Then, your head fries. It all takes about 10 or 20 seconds.

Who can stop this maniac? Well, ecologist Richard Chamberlain (from “King Solomon’s Mines”) is on the case, while Academy Award winner John Houseman looks on. While not a well-known film, this film delivers great cheesy deaths and a rousing anti-corporate message. The strange electronic score is by John Barry. If you can find this movie, you will amaze your friends with this bizarre and entertaining film. After seeing this film, you will be very glad that everyone can now screen their calls. In short, “Murder by Phone” (aka “Bells”) dials the right number for terror.

Sexbots for the Disabled

We always hear a lot about discrimination against women, minorities, and the LGBT community. All well and good, but what about disabled people? They face discrimination in the workplace, dating, at school, and even at restaurants. And what do they get in return? They get a monthly stipend and a lot of bogus sympathy. That’s why we here at GROIN are proposing this solution: free sexbots for disabled people.

Think about it: who has a more difficult time getting laid than disabled people? Sexbots could be exciting for disabled people and at the same time helpthem stay healthy and physically fit. Getting rejected at the bar? No problem, you’ve got a sexbot to come home to. Tired of just being friends? Well, your new sexbot will take care of your needs.

Of course we realize that many people will be outraged by this suggestion. To which we say: when was the last time you’ve helped a disabled person get laid? This solution will help cure depression and will help mitigate the ups and downs that disabled people go through.

Free sexbots for disabled people now! Disabled lives matter. CoolAC

Ghost in the Shell is Deep

I thought I knew what to expect from “Ghost in the Shell.” I assumed it would have great visuals and a mindless plot. I was right about the visuals. Although the futuristic city portrayed in the film looks a little too close to “Blade Runner,” overall the film is convincing and occasionally mind-blowing in terms of its visual impact. The surprise about the new film is that director Rupert Sanders has a story to tell, and tells it well. What would it be like to be an android (or, actually, a cyborg) with no body to call your own and memories you can’t trust? This film tells you.

I was very impressed with the cast that this film put together. It is true that Scarlett Johannson is rather miscast as the heroine, but this is only because her character is supposed to be Asian. She should have asked for rewrites to tailor the part more to her. However, “Beat” Takeshi Kitano (the Japanese action star), Juliette Binoche, and Michael Pitt are excellent in their roles.

The film is getting a lot of flack for supposedly “whitewashing” Japanese material. On the contrary, the film is very respectful to the magna and anime series, and to such a degree that I’m rather stunned. The scenes where the protagonist discovers the truth about herself are rather affecting. This film succeeds in capturing the essence of the film series, and I would not mind a sequel to this film. If you like science fiction and especially if you like anime, check it out! – CoolAC

Robot Marriage

A man in China has married his robot, after getting frustrated trying to find a girlfriend. He carried his wife to the ceremony, where she wore a traditional red veil. I kind of like that the man took a very practical approach to why he married her. At this point she says a few simple phrases, but cannot walk. The husband does plan many upgrades.

 

http://www.scmp.com/news/china/society/article/2084389/chinese-engineer-marries- robot-after-failing-find-human-wife

Catch Her Cheating

A couple in Kenya literally got STUCK while having sex in the spoon position.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/woman-committing-adultery-gets-stuck-10149719

What happened is that this couple were a pair of cheaters, and the cuckold husband used a magic potion on his victims (known in the USA as Super Glue). I bet he found the lube she was using and mixed it in there. Anyhow, this couple got stuck while fucking and so they called for help. Naturally when you yell, “Help me – my dick’s stuck!!!” at the top of your lungs you will draw a crowd. The crowd wound up parading/passing the couple through the streets to the hospital. The crowds gawked. The damsel cowered. And the guy with his dick stuck seemed to enjoy the attention.

Cop Car

Currently showing on HBO and available on Blu-Ray and DVD, “Cop Car” is a terrific thriller that you probably haven’t heard about or seen. It’s about two child runaways who find an abandoned cop car in a remote location. They decide to break into it, explore, and take it on a joy ride. Little do they know that someone’s in the trunk, and that corrupt cop Kevin Bacon will do anything to get his car back.

The first thing I noticed about this film is how well it portrays children; the kids seem like real kids. Between saying swear words for the first time and being totally unaware of the danger of driving an apparently empty car, their naivety is stunning and believable. Secondly, Kevin Bacon’s performance is one of his very best. He doesn’t overact. and so he creates suspense about how dangerous he is. The third thing is how well-crafted this film is; it takes a simple scenario and creates a Hitchcockian level of suspense around it.

In short, “Cop Car” is a great thriller that is well worth your time. The performances are great and the suspense is real. Don’t miss it! –CoolAC

Comin’ At Ya!

How do you feel about 3D? For me, it’s a decided “meh.” Some films, such as “Prometheus” and “Tron: Legacy,” benefit from the process, while others, like “Pete’s Dragon,” just use it as a gimmick. Forget about “Avatar,” which had great 3D effects but an uninvolving story. If you want to have real fun, go to one of the granddaddys of 3D films, 1981’s “Comin’ At Ya!”

The film, which is available on DVD and Blu-ray in 2D and 3D, is a Spanish take on the spaghetti western starring Tony Anthony, a very poor man’s Clint Eastwood, and Victoria Abril, who went on to star in several Almodovar films. The plot is simple: Anthony’s fiancée (Abril) is kidnapped by a no0good villain (Gene Quintano) on their wedding day. To get her back and get revenge our hero must spring into action. Although this is a thin plot, I find it superior to other 3D films that followed in the ’80’s like “Jaws 3D.” However, the excellent music score and the inventive action really make the film stand out.

Although I do not have access to the 3D version, I was charmed by all the objects thrown at the screen (often in slow motion) such as snakes, rats, bullets confetti, other weapons, explosions, etc. The acting is pretty decent too and the film delivers non-stop action. Is this a great film? No, but it’s better than a lot of Hollywood’s westerns like last year’s “The Magnificent Seven.” It’s not terribly expensive to buy, so I’m recommending a purchase. It’s a good film to sit back and watch with friends, beer, and weed. If you want to have a good time, check out “Comin’ At Ya!” It’s a unique experience! –CoolAC

The New Front

Leftist militants are taking up arms while letting it be known that they plan to sabotage US pipelines. Guerilla warfare is the plan, they say:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/mar/26/keystone-pipeline-faces-bitter-fight-from-environm/

In honor of the controversy surrounding the Keystone Pipeline and the plans of environmental activists to use guerrilla warfare tactics to stop building of the pipeline, we here at groin are proposing a remake of the 1994 Steven Seagal classic “On Deadly Ground.” That film, you may recall, starred Seagal as a half-Native American environmental activist who uses martial arts, guns, and other guerilla warfare tactics to bring Michael Caine and his drilling company in Alaska to their knees. Joan Chen is the love interest,It is notable as possibly the only action film where the villain meets a gruesome death without actually having killed anyone! Another thing I enjoyed about that film was the sheer hypocrisy of the film itself, in terms of the non-stop large scale explosions throughout the film.

For the remake, we will feature crazed leftist radical Shia LaBeouf and, even better, Danny Trejo as the protagonists who will stop either Jon Voight, and, even better, a CGI Charlton Heston. We will hire Oliver Stone to direct and Jessica Alba or Lucy Lui will be the love interest. Look for a special cameo by Quentin Tarantino who will be killed by Jon Voight/CGI Charlton Heston. We will feature techno covers of Basil Poledouris’s classic score and Steven Seagal will have a special cameo as Guido, a irate restaurant owner. This will be way better than that “Fast and the Furious” junk! –CoolAC

That’s a Man, Baby!

Transgender men impersonating women, in order to win wrestling, MMA and weightlifting competitions, is sweeping the nation. The result is that actual women are being CRUSHED by men in women’s sports. Some people have said this has also been the case in women’s tennis for a long time, with two sisters dominating that sports who have the bodies of NFL linebackers. Lib females brought about the sexual revolution. Now that the rooster has come home to nest, they are reaping what they have sewn. Boo-hoo! :

http://www.wnd.com/2017/03/female-athletes-crushed-by-women-who-were-once-men/