Tomb Raider Falls Flat

OK, the trailer for the new “Tomb Raider” movie looked bad, but I
really enjoyed the two Angelina Jolie movies from the early 2000’s, so
I thought I’d give it a shot. Big mistake! Alicia Vikander was great
as a sinister android in “Ex Machina” but she’s all wrong here. She
doesn’t have the build that Lara Croft is supposed to have, and she is
unable to project toughness and be a badass. Instead, we get a sweet
girl who REALLY loves her father. Her father, by the way, is played
by Dominic West as a bit of a dork who keeps calling her “sprout.”
The whole movie is about Lara’s quest to find her missing and
supposedly dead father.

I thought about walking out, but some of the
plotting was too promising: Lara finds her father on an almost
deserted island and together with some baddies dig up an old tomb of a
woman they think is a vampire who wanted to drink the world’s blood.
That’s not actually what she turns out to be, but there is about 25
minutes of good Indiana Jones rip-off stuff in the tomb where this
long-dead woman lives, but the rest of the film is misconceived and
slowly paced. I was hoping for a sexy, badass action movie and
instead I got a movie about a girl who means well. I think this film
is going to bomb big-time and it deserves to bomb big time. Next
time, executives, get a woman with some boobs and some sass! Please!

Friday 13th BluRay Collection: Finally!

Do you feel that you haven’t had enough Jason in your life lately? Well, good news: Paramount just released the “Friday the 13th” 8-film collection on Blu-ray for only $25. Now you can cower in terror for each kill and leer at every teenager behaving badly. The first 8 Friday the 13th films have never looked better! It’s tough for me to pick a favorite out of this collection, but films 4-8 have particularly good transfers. Part 8, “Jason Takes Manhattan” particularly stands out as looking great while “A New Beginning,” the fifth one, is a better film than its reputation. The best commentary goes to director Joseph Zito and writer Barry Corbin of “Part IV: The Final Chapter” as they candidly discuss what they shot and didn’t and what they like about the film and what they don’t. One caveat: Although there is a 3D option for the third film, Paramount decided not to include the glasses. Bad move, Paramount! But otherwise, this is a wonderful collection for slasher film enthusiasts as it gives us the most pristine prints with the best extras imaginable. Don’t miss this collection!

Cult Spotlight: Killer Party

Bored of politically correct new horror films like the disappointing “Happy Death Day”? Try 1987’s “Killer Party,” available on DVD from Warner Archive. It’s about fraternity and sorority pranks during April Fool’s Day that quickly turn deadly. The first prank, though, is a “Revenge of the Nerds” type prank involving photographing young women in the nude that made me sigh, “Only in the ’80’s!” From then on, we get some gruesome deaths (including electrocution and decapitation) and cameos by the top-billed Martin Hewlett (from “Endless Love”) and cult director Paul Bartel (as a snooty college professor).

Eventually the murders turn out to be due to cheesy demonic possession and the film ends on an ironic note with a hilariously corny ’80’s pop song. If you miss U.S.A. Up All Night and Joe Bob Briggs Drive-In Theater from the 1980’s and 1990’s. then this is the movie for you! It is neither good nor bad, just hilariously ’80’s and as such highly recommended. If you miss the days of silly, deaths and gratuitous nudity, don’t miss “Killer Party.”

What Trump Should Do Re Mueller

Trump needs to start painting Mueller as a threat to democracy. This past election was a choice for voters between private businessmen and lifetime government bureaucrats. The voters chose to cast out the bureaucrats and give private businessmen a chance to rule.

Mueller is attempting to nullify the election results and place bureaucrats back in power, against the will of the voters.
the justification used for appointing Mueller, Trump’s firing of Comey, is a violation of the separation of powers of the US Constitution
and threatens the Constitution as such, by taking granted authority over hiring and firing away from the executive branch and handing it to the judiciary and the Congress.

As president, it is Trump’s duty to defend the Constitution, and to fight the subjugation of the executive branch to the other branches,
which is being done in order to overturn democracy and the election results.

Democrats should not receive free passes to breaking the law, simply since they are bureaucrats, under the guise of non-profit and speech making. Using non-profit status as a front, like Clinton Foundation did,
while the left enriches itself is dishonest and corrupting.

Mueller’s bias, to go after anyone and everyone that worked on Trump’s campaign, is nothing more than retribution for their loss at the polls. The whole investigation is simply an attempt by the crooked left to try and unjustly retake power and save face.

We have crossed the Rubicon, there is no turning back.

Mueller is officially fired. I have instructed the military to arrest Mueller, Comey, and Rosenstein for treason,
since they are trying to undo the results of a democratic election, by any means necessary. I have decided to stop them by any means necessary.

In a few weeks, we will be holding a special election, where I will be on the ballot against Hillary a second time. I will have the U.N. monitor the election so that there can be no dispute this time.

If she loses again, I will instruct military police to arrest her for her previous obstruction of justice, hiding subpoenaed emails, smashing her hard-drive, and more. There will be no pardon.

Deathwish v. Red Sparrow = Right v. Left

This past weekend, Oscar weekend, two trashy but hugely enjoyable films were released. “Death Wish,” starring Bruce Willis, is a cannily updated version of the Charles Bronson classic. It basically tells the same story as the old one. Bruce plays mild-mannered surgeon Paul Kersey, whose wife (Elisabeth Shue) and daughter are shot, the wife fatally. As his daughter lies in a coma, Paul snaps and becomes a vigilante, inflaming the Chicago populace with his behavior. Wearing a hoodie and sometimes being filmed doing vigilante acts, Paul is considered an “angel” to some, the “Grim Reaper” to others. Although he sometimes kills carjackers for the fun of it, his main goal is vengeance on his family’s attackers, which he accomplishes in spectacular fashion. He has so much fun there could be a sequel, just like the original had 4 (!).

“Red Sparrow” stars the extraordinary Jennifer Lawrence as a top ballerina in modern-day Russia who suffers a gruesome accident while performing to a packed house. Caring for her sick mother and low on funds and with no government support, her sleazy uncle (perhaps the sleaziest uncle in movie history!) enrolls her as a “red sparrow,” which is what she calls “whore school.” She gets tutored by the great Charlotte Rampling in how to seduce men and get info from them, with the threat of death if she does not follow instructions. She also has to contend with the mysterious Jeremy Irons and American Joel Edgerton, who she maybe falls in love with. Can she overcome a dodgy Russian accent and a number of seriously kinky scenes?

Look, neither of these movies are any good compared to the films that were up for Oscars this year. But they both remember that we go to the movies to have fun. These films are “guilty pleasures” for me because I got caught up in them despite questionable scripts and acting. I liked seeing Bruce Willis kick ass again, and I REALLY liked the sexy Jennifer Lawrence doing her best to make a trashy script seem compelling. I even liked that both films got poor reviews, since the disappointing well-reviewed film “Black Panther” put me to sleep. If you like Bruce Willis and Jennifer Lawrence, then I recommend both these films as trashy good times.

Incidentally, apparently there really were “red sparrows” in Russia, but probably not since the Cold War. The movie should’ve been set in the Cold War with Russian-speaking character, instead of in English with ridiculous accents.. I still enjoyed it. And Bruce kicks ass as well as anyone still!

Bitcoin Strip Clubs

Strip clubs are starting to accept Bitcoin as payment, some even giving 20% off if you use it:

The overall idea is meant to protect anonymity while at the gentleman’s club. The girls quoted in the piece enjoy being paid in Cryptos and suggest that it is the wave of the future.

In ancient Rome, gold was forbidden from being given to hookers, so they were broken into mini tokens. This is reminiscent of that.

Why Men Prefer Sexbots

Many are wrong about the reason men are beginning to prefer sexbots to women. It is not because ‘porn has warped their minds’, as is recently being reported:

It is because women are becoming too dominant. They want to argue, and pick all the places to go, and things to do in a relationship, as well as in the bedroom. Sexbots, by contrast, function as the more traditional submissive or obedient female, like in the 1950’s. The only thing we need to do is get them to cook.

The other reasons men prefer sexbots are obvious. Sexbots do not get pregnant, divorce you (which is expensive), cause problems with false domestic disturbance complaints, or cause child custody battles. They also do not ask for fancy, over-expensive vacations, complain about you not having spent enough times with her relatives, say you never take her anywhere, or say that you are just using her for sex, since that’s obvious.

Early William Gibson Book, a Must Read

This early William Gibson neopunk classic is a whirlwind of technology and violence. Most of the storyline is enacted through character dialogue, complete with shotgun in hand. Many of the characters have bio-implants for datachips, so they can hold more memory, like in Johnny Neumonic. They fly around in hover-crafts and scrap over intellectual property at the corporate level. The plot revolves around a girl who can connect to the cyberspace maxtrix, without using any hardware, only using her own mind and body. Meanwhile corporate bounty hunters, such as Kid Africa, are hunting her down, since she controls the future. Japanese yakuza are also on the hunt. This was an early novel from Gibson. It is such a quick read that I must read it again, since the pace was so fast. The book was far ahead of its time, in terms of discussing the matrix and multiple dimensions (which the ending revolves around).

Player One : Are You Ready?

Recently I picked up the novel “Ready Player One” by Ernest Cline because the Steven Spielberg film comes out March 29. The ad didn’t look that promising but I wanted to see if the book was any good. So how is it? It’s interesting. It’s a mixture of the teen dystopian science fiction that’s so popular right now and a far more interesting postmodernism which I haven’t seen in literature recently. It’s about a future where Earth is a shithole so everyone spends all their time on the OASIS, a high-speed virtual reality internet wonderland where you can lose yourself in gaming and movies. and chat rooms. The founder of the OASIS, a reclusive billionaire, dies and leaves his fortune to whoever is smart enough and a good enough gamer to win. In order to win, you have to be a pop-culture genius and retro video-game expert. A group of five teen gamers and film buffs must get to the Golden Egg before the villainous Sixers do, or virtual reality will be forever doomed.

This book’s greatest attributes are its armada of pop-culture references and pop culture jokes. From Delorians to Johnny Five, Max Headroom to “Blade Runner,” 80’s pop culture is constantly referenced and joked about. This could lead to some very interesting filmmaking if Spielberg has the satirical chops. What’s not so good are the geeky characters, the predictable plot, and the unnecessary infusion of politically correct messages. For example, we are supposed to believe that a 168-pound girl is hot. Sorry, Homey don’t play that… also, another girl has gender issues. Not to be mean, but I don’t care about that. Eventually, the paper-thin characters and annoying “positive” messages wore me out and the book took too long to finish.

Will the movie be any good? Spielberg’s a genius but he may not be good enough at comedy to pull this off, as evidenced by his super-mediocre flick “1941.” Also, audiences may be tired of the whole teem dystopia thing. However, the film has buzz of perhaps being a real special FX breakthrough. If it’s better than “The Matrix” FX and imaginative enough, maybe it’ll be a surprise success. We here at GROIN are planning to post a review of this film on opening weekend, and here’s hoping it’s amazing!