CUPERTINO, CA — Apple computer is known for breaking barriers. But today, Apple broke new ground with iSelf, its new product poised to replace the aging iPhone and iPod franchises.

Unlike conventional computer products, iSelf is not a physical object but a personal identity. The user is given a personal consultation with Steve Jobs, and his book of wisdom (Transcending Reality to be me, $24.95, Harper Collins), as well as a named rock in the Apple zen garden.

“iSelf will open up a new world of possibility that circuits and silicon could not,” said Apple product manager Tyrone Goldstein. “With iSelf, you have a topic of conversation every time. You have a place in the world. It’s religion, politics, sex, culture and ego wrapped up in one handy product.”

Celebrate the International Day of Slayer, a holiday for all metalheads and those who like Slayer! Every other culture gets its time in the spotlight so it’s time for metalheads to get the same. This June 6, starting at 6 AM (get it, 6/6:6?), do no work but listen to Slayer instead.

Originally designed to mock the “National Day of Prayer,” the International Day of Slayer has grown through a groundswell of public support. Slayer CDs have been mailed to the White House, politicians pressed to make the holiday legal, and finally, Slayer themselves responded with a video message of support.

Join us… in listening to Slayer. June 6, all day, listen to Slayer, or we’ll eat your immortal souls.

http://www.nationaldayofslayer.org/

QFT, nillas.

Back in 1989 when I was 15 years old I went to see Death in Houston. It was a great show, I was standing right at the front, I could almost reach out and touch Chuck himself. The man even looked directly at me during ‘Pull the Plug!’ Time stood still. His big, brown eyes pierced my very soul. Man, that feeling was epic!

After what seemed like an eternity of pure bliss, the show was over. Chuck waved goodbye to his cheering and adoring fans, I looking longingly after him as he disappeared from view; I was in a world of my own. So it dawned on me that the gig was over, I blinked and started to head out of the arena when a short, fat man dressed all in black with a shiny bald head looked at me and summoned me over to him. I was a little anxious. ‘Follow me’, he ordered in a commanding tone, silent, I did as I was told. After a few paces, it was quiet, the beautiful noise from the Death gig was over and the crowd had dispersed. Suddenly, the man said, ‘you’ve been chosen. How would you like to meet Chuck Schuldiner?’ My eyes lit up, my mouth dropped open but I was speechless. The man chuckled to himself and opened a door. ‘Through here’, he said. I looked at him, still silent, nodded and stepped into the room, as the man closed the door behind me. I was staring at the floor, I rose my head slowly and saw him. Chuck Schuldiner was sitting in a chair right in front of me!

‘This must be a dream’ I thought, but I knew it was real when Chuck spoke in his gentle, warm voice: ‘Well, well, well… Look what we got here!’ Nervously, I responded ‘he… hello’. Chuck smiled and that was all I needed to feel safe. He stood up and paced towards me, I couldn’t move. My heart was racing. Adrenaline pumping.Chuck stopped about a foot away from me. ‘Mm mm mm, you look perfect’, said Chuck. ‘Wha-what?’ I breathed. Chuck then stepped up into even closer to me, I could feel his warm breath on my face. Just then, he lifted up his arm and reached around me, I felt his strong, manly hand grab a firm hold of my buttocks.

‘Whoa!’ I exclaimed and immediately leapt back. I was scared, I could have simply run out the door, run home and forget about this experience. But something inside me made me stay… Chuck simply smiled. ‘What’s wrong?’ He said, softly. ‘I-I…’ What could I say? I didn’t know what to do. Chuck strode towards me again, ‘I’ll show you a good time’, he said, whilst casually unzipping his fly. I gulped. Chuck adopted a sterner face, On your knees! He said, aggressively. I was terrified.But, this was Chuck, man! I thought about what to do but Chuck just repeated himself, in an even more foreboding voice. It was at that moment when I knew just exactly what to do. I looked up at him, licked my lips and dropped to my knees — all to Chuck’s delight.

He whipped out his long, thick semi-erect penis. ‘I’ve never done this before’, I said, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay.’ Chuck reassured me. I held his penis in my hands, took a deep breath, and put it in my mouth. I sucked and sucked ’til he was hard, man, his cock had to be at least seven wonderful inches! I kissed the gland and licked all along the shaft, Chuck giggled and slapped me in the face with his cock a few times before I inserted all seven inches into my mouth. Chuck moaned in sheer ecstasy. He put his his hand against the back of my head as I bobbed up and down on his cock. ‘All the way, all the way’, whispered Chuck. It tasted like nothing I ever tasted before. After around ten minutes, he pulled out his juicy meat, ‘take off your pants — now!’ Chuck demanded. Without speaking, I hastily removed my navy blue jeans and boxer shorts as Chuck himself also stripped.

I looked at his body, he was very fit, I reached out and touched his stomach. It was soft yet firm. Chuck grabbed my the collar of my shirt, ‘you won’t need this, either’, he said and ripped off my shirt, demonstrating his masculine strength. Chuck quickly directed me t o a table, he commanded me to bend over it. I did as he asked, not knowing I was ready to receive an awesome anal battering!

Chuck grabbed my hips with his rough, coarse hands. ‘Here we go!’ He said as he spat in my ass hole. I took a deep breath, braced myself and — ‘AARGHH!!’ I screamed. Chuck forced his tasty meat pole all the way inside me. It gave me a feeling I had never felt before, and, will probably never feel again. It was simply orgasmic, as if God Himself had fucked me. I almost felt as if I were God. Chuck had entered my, and we both became as One. It was truly transcendental.

Chuck was screaming (and so was I!) He was a wild animal, more beast than man. I was completely subservient to him. His cock was tearing my rectum and my anus to shreds as he repeatedly drove his cock into me. At first he was slow and deliberate. The feeling was so good. ‘You like that, bitch?’ Asked Chuck, with feelings of both the most exquisite pain and ecstasy, ‘Oh God YES!’ I exclaimed. Chuck slapped my ass, hard, as I now moaned with delight. Chuck became a jackhammer, hammering my ass so fast and so hard I thought he was about to split me in half. I even felt blood trickling down my right thigh.

I had no idea how long this ass pounding went on for, it truly felt like an eternity, but finally Chuck stopped. My screams and moans faded. Chuck walked around me and shoved his cock back into my face. His mighty scrotum rested on my chin; I was ball deep in Chuck. He thrusted, I gagged. ‘Time for desert’, he moaned.

His hot and spicy semen shot of his cock and hit the back of my throat like a cannon ball. It was a huge load! And it was nectar, pure nectar. I swirled the cum in my mouth a few times, savouring its wonderful flavour before finally swallowing.

Chuck stood back, his cock swinging. I gasped for air, my ass was sore and gaping, it felt like someone had opened me up with a pair of pliers. I fell to the ground and closed my eyes, I was still feeling that wonderful ecstacy of orgasm.

Chuck, meanwhile, pulled his pants back on and put on his shirt. ‘Enjoy that? He laughed. I was unable to respond. Chuck laughed again. Chuck looked at a clock on the wall, ‘you got five minutes to get out’, he said. I barely heard him. Chuck walked out of the room. I was all alone, I could still taste his cum. My ass was bleeding. I was in heaven, paradise. Chuck had made this little boy a man.

I would never see Chuck again, but I still remember my fuck session with him as if it was yesterday. Sometimes, I can still feel his throbbing cock inside my anus… – Gay4Chuck

…the news is stranger than fiction.

More people than ever before are complaining about illegal immigration, but no one seems to have a solution.

I’m from the Caucasian Lawnmower Owners American Civic Association (CLOACA). We have a solution.

We create freedom from illegal immigration by being Caucasions who mow our own goddamn lawns.

We don’t care how cheap it is to hire someone from another country, let them live ten to a one-room apartment, and ignore them as we drive past — until we need some cheap manual labor, and then we pick them up in the Home Depot parking lot.

We’re going to mow our own lawns. Amazing as it is, Caucasians are equal to this task. We know lawnmowers seem daunting symbols of poverty and hard work. But we can do it, with a little gumption, some education and a wrench.

Your donations help us continue our anti-Immigration activism, namely by mowing our own goddamn lawns.

Look for our expanded campaigns in the future, including Caucasian-positivity activity on the dish washing, home painting, tree trimming and pedicure fronts.

Part of our letter-writing campaign ‘08:

I don’t mean to be rude, but I have a little question for those of you who worship God.

We all worship different ways. My way is beating some girl senseless and having my way with her to the accompaniment of her feeble whimpers. I tithe. I work hard at my day job (so I have more time for my hobby, rape). I treat my neighbors well and respect the elderly. Why, oh voiceless God, can my rapes not also be part of this full life?

Post this on your local metal forum, bulletin board or magazine:

I hate Pantera.

It didn’t sound groovy at all.

Found taped to your door:

I am so sorry I accidentally raped your mom.

Sorry again.