Want to know why Netflix is so fucking popular? Because the modern movie theaters are the worst, the stupidest, the foulest the lamest, the gayest, the most annoying, the LOWEST common denominator, AND the most moronic THING ever! How bad is it? Well, my brother and I TRIED to go see “Uncle Drew.” (which by all accounts is just a dumb basketball comedy featuring NBA stars who probably can’t act). The theater, Century 14 Northridge in Salinas, is already on my GAYDAR because they recently started forcing patrons to pick a seat when they buy their ticket. That means you may THINK that the theater is relatively uncrowded when you arrive at the theater a few minutes before the trailers start, but IN FACT an ARMY of FATTIES has already made sure that the theater is either SOLD OUT or ALL THE GOOD SEATS ARE TAKEN! “Uncle Drew” was sold out, as was “Sicario 2.” These movies are NOT EVEN HITS! On the rare occasions you do get into this theater (or AMC Eastridge 15 in San Jose) you end up with a theater of idiotic teenagers and families TALKING and TEXTING on their CELL PHONES and LOUDLY Slurping their COCA-FUCKING-COLA and MUNCHING on their goddamn EXTRA-BUTTERY popcorn. Then you have to watch 20 MINUTES of trailers for LAME movies like “Ant-Man 2” and whatever fucking animated crap is coming out, You can never be sure if you can get through your movie because some lardass family with a crying, shitting baby and, of course, advance tickets could sit down next to you at any FUCKING moment! After all this SHIT, the movie usually SUCKS anyway! I hate these two movie theaters so much that I hope I NEVER go there again!
How can these theaters save themselves and lure me back? 1. Start showing better movies; that’ll scare away the philistines! 2. Get rid of assigned seating; it’s causing disabled people to get the wrong end of the stick because their companion seats are automatically taken. 3. Stop showing so many trailers; if I’m at “Hereditary,” for example, I’m not interested in fucking “Ant-man.” 4. Add a ton of seats and increase the screen size. You can raise the admission price if you want to; I’m willing to pay more for a HALFWAY DECENT movie experience. The now defunct century dome theaters in San Jose offered a comfortable and immersive experience. 5. Similar to my first point: Stop pandering to children! Give movies like “The Shape of Water” and “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” more screens than this fucking kids crap that is lobotomizing our country. 6. Ban all superhero movies NOW! They ALL suck harder than Caitlin Jenner at an Illuminati orgy!
If you read this article and agree with any of what I’m saying, tell your local cinema that these changes need to be made and NOW. Don’t wait; INTELLIGENT ADULT MOVIEGOERS UNITE!
(Addendum: The Maya Cinemas 14 in Salinas is much better than the two mentioned in this article, and so is Osio Theater in Monterey.)