Sometimes I just can’t stand today’s generation. Whether it’s the shit that passes for music or selfies or”Duck Dynasty,” sometimes I just want to enter a time machine and go back in time to 2002, or, if I’m really drunk, 1999. That desire brought me to watch and review “Rings,” which just came out, and “The Blair Witch,” which is new to Bluray and DVD. Both are the third installment in their respective series, and both received rather negative reviews. Are they really that bad?
I dunno. They both deliver about what you’d expect from their respective series. “Rings,” for example, has a college professor who passes the curse of the deadly videotape onto his students, in the hope of blunting the effect of the curse. Two of the infected decide to investigate further into the curse, which <SPOILER!> leads them to a blind murderer pedophile priest, played by Vincent D’Onfrio from “Full Metal Jacket.” Can they stop the curse? Will there be another sequel? Do we get to vote twice?
Look, I know this isn’t a good movie. But it does give you what you’d expect from a “Ring” movie. It’s creepy, it’s claustrophobic, it’s ridiculous, and it’s fun. Except for D’Onfrio, the acting sucks, but that doesn’t prevent it from being entertaining.
“The Blair Witch,” the sequel to the 1999 found footage classic and, theoretically at least, the botched first sequel, is another story altogether. In fact, I am willing to call it a good movie, and that’s because I do find it scary. It follows a group of student filmmakers who decide to go back into those Godforsaken woods in the hope of finding out what happened to Heather, the Final Girl from “The Blair Witch Project.” Since one of the characters is Heather’s brother, I have to congratulate the filmmakers for finding a good reason for why anyone would go back into those woods. Anyway, it starts slow, then turns into “The Twilight Zone,” then gets really scary in the last 20 minutes, Anyway, this is the best Found Footage movie since “District 9.” It should make people scream and jump a lot, and it has some interesting speculations on What is Really Going On. Plus <SPOILER!> everybody dies, so that’s always good entertainment, much better, I’m sure, than “Hidden Figures” or “La La Land.”
Basically, if you have refined, sophisticated taste, you’re probably not reading this. But if you want to watch a bunch of annoying people bite the dust in spectacularly gruesome fashion, you’re in luck. Now I’m just waiting for the upcoming 2-film remake of Stephen King’s “It” so I can party like it’s 1986! –CoolAC