August 2017 – Page 2

Anabelle Sucks

OK, so the original “Annabelle” sucked pond water, but “Annabelle: Creation” got good reviews, so I decided to check out. It fucking sucks too! With a lame poster like this, who could go wrong:

They could not think of a better cliché , so instead the opening scenes were the only good scenes in the picture, as they detail the sad (and based on fact) story of a family that has a tragic accident involving a little girl named Annabelle. Where have I seen this before? Well like a thousand other movies (because its supposedly based on a true thing!). Well -so far, so good. But then we get this “Little Orphan Annie” bullshit about the bereaved family letting an orphanage of little Catholoc girls shack up in their luxurious (and creepy) estate which makes no sense. We also get a plot that exploits the disability (polio) of a little girl, including a creepy lift to the upstairs of the house. The little girl unlocks a door she’s not supposed to and soon the jump scares and “Exorcist” and “Conjuring” rip-offs begin. At no point is the orphanage, led by a nun who’s not very bright, ready to pack up and leave despite many terrible things happening. Geez. What’s wrong with the nuns these days??

If you’ve been following this review, you’ll notice that this film is not content with putting little girls in jeopardy, but has decided to double down and put a little disabled girl in jeopardy. Its a movie about whatever it will take to fill seats and sell popcorn basically. After a while, it becomes simply a succession of jump scares. You can go take a leak at any point in this film and you won’t miss anything. Go refill that $7 soda. When this happened, the packed audience became more entertaining than the movie. Dozens of cries of “aw hell no!” as well as predictions of what was going to happen provided the entertainment the film itself was lacking. It was one of those crowds where there is a really low IQ going on, and you have to duck and hide on the way out.

So although the film is slightly better than the first “Annabelle,” it still comes down on pandering to the audience rather than telling a good story. Its like sex with a fat chick, not very good!

Horror fans are advised to skip it and wait for “Stephen King’s It,” which generated more creepiness and atmosphere in a two-minute clip before the film than both “Annabelle” films combined. I have no idea why the crowd applauded loudly at the end. My cash would have been better spent at the racetrack frankly.

Born American Kinda Sucks

Sticking out in the VHS section at the local Goodwill was this film: “Born American,” from 1986, directed by Renny Harlin. Renny Harlin, if you didn’t know, is from Finland and has directed good films like “Die Hard 2” and “Cliffhanger” and bad ones like “The Covenant” and “Driven,” and married Geena Davis for a time. This film seemed to have a great plot: 3 Americans, led by Mike Norris (Chuck’s son) foolishly cross into the Russian border from Finland. There they cause some mayhem and are captured and soon imprisoned.

The film starts out awesome, with lots of tension and explosions. I though I was in for another Red Dawn masterpiece. However, once the action moves to a Russian prison, the film dies. The prison is a singularly unpleasant place and none of the actors has enough screen presence to make us care and want to finish the film. That’s too bad, because the premise had real possibilities and you would think the director could pull it off. Instead, it’s his worst film. This is one bad 1980’s action movie to be avoided, unless you’re looking to remake it using the admittedly gripping plotline. And yes, Mike Norris is a terrible actor, but you probably guessed that already. The bright side is that this movie once again shows that Americans never submit or give up. And that even Chuck Norris’s brother can kick commie scum ass! And to this film’s credit, at least Bill Murray’s younger brother was not cast in this too (Moving Violations was even worse!).

Instant Justice = Instant Fun

Ready for an hilarious bad action movie experience? Check out “Instant Justice” starring Michael Pare and Tommy Kiitaen. Neither of these actors need a huge introduction because Pare starred in “Eddie and the Cruisers,” “Streets of Fire,” “The Philadelphia Experiment,” and “Bad Moon,” while Kitaen was in “Bachelor Party” and “Witchboard.” Pare plays a Marine named Younglood (shades of the Rob Lowe classic from around the same time) whose sister is killed as part of a modeling/prostitution scam run by drug dealers.

Pare infiltrates the criminal underworld in the movie and will stop at nothing to avenge his sister’s death. Tawny Kitaen plays the love interest and potential victim, who apparently showers fully clothed and wants to run off with Youngblood if he’ll stop thinking about vengeance. All of this involves all little gratuitous nudity (not Tawny), drug use, car chases, shootouts, and bad acting. Pare is a poor man’s Stallone, but he has his moments, Tawny is hot with priceless bad ’80’s hair, but she’s not a great actress. The director used a fake name and was never heard from again. This film is definitely so-bad-it’s-good.If you enjoy bad ’80’s action, be sure to get “Instant Justice” from 1986 on VHS!

Hard Rain = Hard Sell

Lets face it. Hard rain was a hard sell then and its still a hard sell now. This movie had a shitload of rain to where Seattle was flooded New Orleans style. You wind up with everybody fighting over loot, while jet skiing around with sawed off shot guns. Christian Slater, a real life gun nut, was cast perfectly in this film. Morgan Freeman opens up a can of whoop ass instead of acting like he fucking knows everything. The best scene is where they pop up from under water simultaneously in slow motion to action shotgun kill Randy Quaid.

At Groin we have to appreciate any moment that rips of the end of Chuck Norris in Missing in Action where he pops out from the water and machine guns everyone to death in slow motion. That moment has always been an inspiration to red-blooded testosterone fueled Americans, as they kick ass worldwide!

Now you are probably thinking: Why the hell did he watch that in the first place? Easy answer! I was reading an old copy of ‘Bad MoFO’ magazine and the guy panned it hard. So I asked my brother if he had seen it. The next day I was at the pawn shop in the ghetto here and I saw a copy of it on VHS and I knew that it was meant to be my copy! Alas, it was destiny. The pawn shop clerk endowed to me a free copy of this God-forsaken flick. Probably because he knew they paid like 10c for it and no one in their right mind would even want it, and this therefor represented the pawn shops one and only chance to be rid of this dust mite infested plastic, cardboard, and analog film relic.

This movie requires a 12 pack of cruddy beer and lots of beer nuts to get through. The whole movie has kind of a moldy, mildew, wet sulky feel to it. You will feel like drying off your shoes and flannel over-shirt. This movie honestly kinda still sucks compared to Michael Douglass’s Black Rain. But that’s just mostly cause the motorcycle decapitation scene in Black Rain (where the Big Trouble in Little China sidekick gets his head lopped off) was so elegant and memorable. Once you have had Purple Rain and Black Rain, you figure you have nothing left to lose by getting drunk and watching Hard Rain. Hell, I will basically watch any movie co-starring Randy Quaid (except for Major League II).

Dark Tower – A Solid Fantasy Film

Our other staff writer underestimated how good this film is. The film adaptation of Stephen King’s Dark tower is a towering masterpiece. Elba is awesome as the gunslinger and takes the role seriously. Also, he does some good dead-pan humor. He plays a fantasy western version of a Knights Templar. His guns were ‘forged from Exacalibur’.

McConaughey is also strong as the man in black, who can be thought of as the false prophet in a Biblical sense. The man in black bears a striking resemblance to the Randall Flagg character in the Stand, another apocalyptic Stephen King masterpiece. Unlike other modern hits like Harry Potter, this movie the Dark Tower warns against the use of occultist magic.

The most obvious occult symbols in the film are the dark tower itself (Tower of Babel/ WTC parallels are obvious from the NYC skyline shots being ominously shown over and over again), and the portal itself (CERN parallels). Just as in the stories Firestarter, there are tons of insinuations to the MK Ultra program (unveiled by the Church committee in the 70s in Congress and the victims were paid reparations), in which the government takes kids who have psychic abilities and abuses them and does experiments on them. In the Dark Tower the government keeps trying to seize the kid character in the film to do just that.

This movie is considered a fantasy. But it is not. It is Stephen King’s coded way of warning us of several things:
a) magic and occultism are dangerous and help to bring about the Anti-Christ (the Man in Black), by opening portals for demons to enter our world through.
b) the government kidnaps and experiments on people who are psychic (Firestarter with Drew Berrymore this occurs throughout the film, also in this film they try and get the kid for his psychic abilities, and its done through mental health or foster care)
c) The falling and rebuilding of the World Trade Center has some sort of strong connection to the occult, and King quite possibly predicted the fall of the Twin Towers in his first volume from 1982.

King started writing in the early 1970’s. At that time there was a strong mistrust of government. From the Gulf of Tonkin, to the Church committee, to Cointelprolo Operation, the government had gone and lied to the public while doing some really evil things. Stephen King clearly picked up on this. Many of his works exhibit an anti government paranoia. Not just Firestarter (where George C. Scott acts super creepy almost sexual intonations towards Drew Berrymore), but in the Dead Zone the Martin Sheen character was set to become a fascist dictator set on nuking the world. Lawnmower Man had ‘the Shop’ too. Or in the Stand, where small pox virus breaks out of a government lab, killing off most of the globe’s population. Only to be saved by the ‘Hand of God’ at the end. Stephen King himself is the visionary, and much of what he warns us about is directly from the bible.

This newest film of Stephen King’s is the clearest indication and proof yet that King believes (and is right) that Christian prophecies are fulfilled beyond anything that could be considered coincidence. The fact that the book dealt with apocalyptic towers in NYC way back in 1982 is a blatant example of how human history and future has been coded into biblical prophecy, and cleverly deciphered, reinterpreted, and laid bare for keen observers of pop culture to use as a tool to heighten their intellectual awareness.

Another notable simulacra throughout the film and the book the characters say ‘I shoot with my mind not my hand’. This echoes Infowars.com slogan ‘there is a war for your mind’ just a little to closely to be coincidence. There is also a line that repeats throughout regarding virtue (or lack thereof) about ‘Having forgotten the face of your father(s)’, which likely relates to the Founding Fathers and how America has abandoned its original principles. As you watch the film see what examples you can find as a viewer in terms of occultism. They are plentiful.

Trump Should Force Debt Default

I suggest Trump threaten to veto the debt ceiling increase and force a national default, since Congress has overspent. This will put the fear of God into Congress. Only if Congress stops these ridiculous politically motivated investigations should he sign a debt ceiling increase. If we cannot have our democratically elected leader, then bring the whole country down financially and start a revolution to begin a fresh , new government – with the old guard and the old deep state arrested or extradited.

And no SS or welfare checks?? Military? If he doesn’t accommodate those, many assume Trump won’t last ’til Christmas.

USA will still have tax revenue. Trump can direct Treasury to defund all welfare, but continue funding the military. Default wouldn’t mean we dont get to borrow (if we so choose) , it would mean our interest rates on the debt would balloon. However I think the debt is a SHAM anyways, and we should refuse to pay it (stick it to the bankers , China, and the Sauds) and issue a new currency, free of Fed and foreign influence. Also, California should be allowed to secede from the Union, since they want a lib utopian state. Texas should probably secede too. The left and right shall not reconcile in our lifetime. Face it!

Then what’s left would be more manageable.

First of all through much of US history we printed our own currency, and it was minted in silver and gold. We do not need to borrow money from our enemies China and Saudi Arabia, nor the Fed. We can simply print our own new currency and abandon the old one. We have done this twice in our history already, the first time was after the Revolutionary War.

Secondly , Trump did not make these insane spending agreements or wars. So it’s not his responsibility to promote them to the point where our grandchildren are enslaved for your debts.

If Congress comes to its senses and stops with all the BS investigations and endless pointless wars in the ME (when NK is set to nuke us meanwhile) and agrees to cut welfare, and stop expanding the evil government in perpetuity – only then Trump should sign to increase the debt ceiling.

Its about LEVERAGE.

Gunslinger is Just OK

So “The Dark Tower” movie from Stephen King’s great novels is finally here, so how is it? Well, it’s very entertaining. It moves quickly and has good action and special effects. Matthew McConaughey is great as Walter, the Man in Black, and Idris Elba is excellent as Roland the Gunslinger. This is a stripped-down action movie based on the books, and it works fairly well. Tom Taylor is just OK as Jake Chambers, but he’s likeable enough. The good news is that because a new story has been concocted for this movie, all of the books are still waiting to be filmed. A TV series is planned for 2018 with Elba that will attempt to adapt the books faithfully. As a result, this movie works as an appetizer for better things to come. It is a fun fantasy action thriller, and I do recommend it. Bring on the series; this movie is a good start!

Warlock BluRay is Pagan Gold

Maybe I’m weird, but the most anticipated Blu-ray release for me this year was not “Rogue One” or “La La Land,” but instead “The Warlock Collection.” Part of the new Vestron limited edition collection series from Lionsgate, these films deal with a Satanic warlock who wants to end the world. The original film features Richard E. Grant as a witch-hunter from the 17th century who, like the warlock, is zapped into 1991. Only Grant and Lori Singer can prevent Julian Sands from destroying the universe by saying God’s true name backwards and thereby undoing creation.

Lori Singer plays “Kassandra with a K,” a buoyant woman from the valley who joins the witch-hunt via necessity (the warlock puts an aging spell on her) but gradually falls for the sincere Grant. This film is distinguished by distinguished locales, good performances, a healthy sense of humor, and a wonderful Jerry Goldsmith score.

Sands is pure evil, but you like him: his suave British charm is hard to resist. Grant shines in a rare sympathetic role; you may remember him as the villain from “Hudson Hawk” or as the alchoholic in the great “Withnail and I.” Singer is sexy and feisty; what happened to her? Mary Woronov from “Eating Raoul” and “Night of the Comet” has a small role. Overall, a great film that I regret missing in theatres.

“Warlock: The Armageddon,” an almost unrelated sequel, is lower-budget but just as much fun. This time, Sands is more directly related to Satan, and his powers are much more sinister. Born in an oddball fashion full-grown from some random woman, Sands must acquire the correct precious priceless stones to end the world. This he does by tricking people into giving him the stones, then killing them Freddy Krueger or Wishmaster style. He even turns somebody into a Picasso! Who can stop his nefarious plot? The Druids, of course. and two dorky teenagers played by Chris Young and Paula Marshall. You would think the Warlock would easily win, but you’d be wrong. It all concludes in mano-a-mano fashion, as the dorky teen turns out to have the right stuff. This film, like the first, has very interesting special FX and is made with a kit of charm. I did see this at the AMC Saratoga 6 in 1993, and I miss seeing genuine B-films at the cinema. If you like Julian Sands and ridiculous horror films, don’t miss this one. It’s from the director of the “Waxwork” films and “Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth.”

Finally, we have “Warlock III: The End of Innocence,” where the Warlock is now played by Bruce Payne because Julian Sands didn’t like the script. This movie is about a college girl (played by “Hellraiser”‘s Ashley Laurence) who inherits a haunted house but wants to keep it so she can find out about her family heritage. She brings several friends along, and soon they are all being tormented by the Warlock, who tortures all the friends until they turn on our heroine. This film was OK but I couldn’t get into it. It didn’t fit with the other 2 films, mainly because it was too serious. This one I would recommend watching just once.

There are, of course, more bonus features on this set than I can count,, but the main thing is that you get 3 very entertaining ’90’s B horror films, painstakingly restored, for about $25. This set is so entertaining you’ll be tempted to give your soul over to the warlock. Julian Sands is the best horror baddie since Vincent Price, and these films show that off-the-wall, non-cliché efforts can be very entertaining. Don’t miss this Blu-ray set!

President Trump: Time Traveller In-Chief

President Trump is a time-traveler. See this awesome Youtube vid about it:

One thing many people don’t know is that Trump predicted 911.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flnhdhxVR6g

Back in the day, his uncle worked on Tesla’s theoretical works while at MIT. Trump was warned by his uncle that nuclear weapons and nuclear war were the greatest threat to man-kind. His uncle left Trump the blueprints to a time travel device. Trump had some money and had the device built. He travelled to the future to see what was going on. There he saw ISIS using nuclear weapons, after the US government was always arguing and doing nothing. When he got back to the present time he was determined to use things he knew about the future to build his family fortune so he could win the presidency, and help save the world.

This is all very hard to believe, I know. But take a look at this actual book that was written in the 1890’s. Or google it : Little Baron Trump’s Marvelous Underground Journey.

I will tell you something weird: Yesterday when I looked it up on Wikipedia it was there. Today I looked it up again once news hit the internet. Now it has been removed!!!

It talks about Baron Trump, and also about the president being protested against by large crowds on 5th Ave. in NY. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33vPflv5jyk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgpD8ItmdCY

There are ripples in time occurring all the time. Whether its missing Malaysian Airliners, or the fact that the post office will no longer consider a DVD or CD to be considered to be ‘media’ and act like ‘media’ was always synonymous with ‘educational materials’ (which it wasn’t) – we are starting to see multiple timelines converge. Close to the Edge of a re-run of the Korean War, a Russian scandal exactly mirroring ABSCAM, and more (Mayweather fight mirroring Ali’s MMA fights) we are in a directionless era which mirrors something of a time-loop. Most of the technological advancements we have seen in the past 30 years such as i-net had their origins in the government (DOD created the Inet or outer-space (satellites). And the government grants monopolies , patents, and leak out technology to people and companies like Zuck and FB. This is because those companies help grow Big Brother.

Trump represents the private industries backlash against public entities. And because the government is always bribing everyone and everything, there was no way to beat them at their own game except to time travel back and beat them at every step.