You may think the hardest part of having a threesome is finding the perfect person to join in your couple’s sex life, but it’s even harder to handle all the emotions involved, namely jealousy and insecurity. So what’s the best way to go about it?
First, know the reason. You need to figure out as a couple why you want to try having a threesome. Is this his fantasy, or hers, or something you’ve both wanted to try together? Are you pushing your own limits to explore who you are sexually? Do you want to add a new, maybe bisexual, dimension to sex? Are you easing into the concept of sharing your partner or having group sex? Is this a purely physical/sexual experience, or a gateway to a ménage à trois/polyamory relationship? Whatever your reason, be aware that it won’t save a troubled relationship, as it invites hurt feelings, can do irreparable damage to a couple’s intimacy, and potentially leads to a love triangle that could tear the couple apart. Be sure you both want to do it. A threesome requires a high level of openness and trust to work.
Second, find someone suitable. Decide whether to choose from your close friends (such as sorority sisters you’ve already partied naked with), acquaintances (they’re probably sane, STD-free, approachable, and not a great loss if it doesn’t work out), or a total stranger (easier to find online, for a one-time thing, or to keep private from your social network), but not exes (due to their emotional baggage). Whether you pick another female or another male, make sure you both find her/him attractive, or it could hurt your sexual performance and pleasure. If they’re too attractive, you might need to deal with your own insecurities first. To entice the third person, you might need to coyly ask them out to put them in the mood. Make sure they’re ready, willing, and able to have sex with you as a couple, and you’re not making them jump through hoops or suffer delays as you vet them together, or they will lose patience and not take you seriously, and the threesome fantasy will not become a reality.
Third, set the ground rules and boundaries. Make sure all three of you provide input and come to an agreement on everything. This isn’t just for physical safety (doing it at a hotel for comfort and privacy, using separate condoms for various sex pairings) but also to protect your emotional well-being (communicating what you’re not okay with, who can/can’t kiss and touch, who can/can’t penetrate whom and where orally/vaginally/anally, and what three-way sex positions will make you feel left out). Figure out all the nitty-gritty details, any uncomfortable scenarios that could arise, and how to resolve them. Take this opportunity to imagine and describe all the wild positions and sexy things you can do with three bodies instead of just two. The more you discuss and plan beforehand, the more ready and eager you’ll be, and the more you’ll get out of this experience. If you’d rather be totally spontaneous, you risk unnecessarily offending someone, showing up with no idea what you should do with yourself, and having regrets later. To prevent any confusion, also plan how it should end, like taking a cab home afterward (to mark the end of the shared physical experience, so it’s not weird when you wake up). Figure out if the threesome should be a one-time thing or potentially ongoing.
Fourth, meet and progressively increase sexual tension. It might be easier to break the ice at a café or a lounge, with just one person of the couple initially meeting the third person, then flirting and complimenting them. This way the third person can feel safe in public, not feel like a third wheel, and can quickly build rapport one-on-one. If their chemistry together is good, the other person of the couple can join, and the first person of the couple can facilitate their getting to know each other, keeping the tone upbeat and humorous with light teasing. Everyone should divide their attention with the other two, with a focus on the less enthusiastic person, so nobody feels left out. From chatting, gradually increase skin contact and touching, like: stroking their arm, patting their shoulder, combing strands of hair off their face and tucking it behind their ear, and hugging. When everyone is physically comfortable with each other, and sexual tension is getting unbearable, they should proceed to a private room with a bed. Savor the foreplay. Circle each other, hold hands, gently but firmly rub up on each other, slowly undress each other, and give each other massages.
Fifth, maintain intimacy with your partner while having sex. The greatest danger in a threesome (after the physical ones of pregnancy and STDs) is jealousy and insecurity. A couple just focuses on each other with their full body, mind, and feelings. An orgy is a confusing tangle of body parts experiencing simultaneous sex from everywhere from anyone. But a threesome uniquely challenges intimacy in the constant threat of making one feel less desired or left out as the third wheel, so be attentive to both. Don’t let the novelty of a new third person get you carried away. You need to reassure your partner that she is still your focus, and this is all just a physical experience, not a relationship with the third. You don’t have to always be working on both people like in a game of Twister, but frequently touch or gaze at your partner. Be creative and spontaneous within the group’s guidelines, and always ask first if you want to try something they didn’t ask for so you have continual affirmative consent. If anyone’s ever uncomfortable and wants to stop, everyone should stop, and not rudely continue without them.
Sixth, follow up. Message the third participant the next day, so they don’t feel used and ignored but rather valued as an integral part of your threesome experience. You can decide whether to see each other again or just keep it a one-time thing (you’re not dating, after all). Hopefully everyone had an exhilarating, stimulating, mind-blowing experience that affirms your vibrant sex life together.
Stay tuned for the next article on threesome sex positions.