Hard Rain = Hard Sell

Lets face it. Hard rain was a hard sell then and its still a hard sell now. This movie had a shitload of rain to where Seattle was flooded New Orleans style. You wind up with everybody fighting over loot, while jet skiing around with sawed off shot guns. Christian Slater, a real life gun nut, was cast perfectly in this film. Morgan Freeman opens up a can of whoop ass instead of acting like he fucking knows everything. The best scene is where they pop up from under water simultaneously in slow motion to action shotgun kill Randy Quaid.

At Groin we have to appreciate any moment that rips of the end of Chuck Norris in Missing in Action where he pops out from the water and machine guns everyone to death in slow motion. That moment has always been an inspiration to red-blooded testosterone fueled Americans, as they kick ass worldwide!

Now you are probably thinking: Why the hell did he watch that in the first place? Easy answer! I was reading an old copy of ‘Bad MoFO’ magazine and the guy panned it hard. So I asked my brother if he had seen it. The next day I was at the pawn shop in the ghetto here and I saw a copy of it on VHS and I knew that it was meant to be my copy! Alas, it was destiny. The pawn shop clerk endowed to me a free copy of this God-forsaken flick. Probably because he knew they paid like 10c for it and no one in their right mind would even want it, and this therefor represented the pawn shops one and only chance to be rid of this dust mite infested plastic, cardboard, and analog film relic.

This movie requires a 12 pack of cruddy beer and lots of beer nuts to get through. The whole movie has kind of a moldy, mildew, wet sulky feel to it. You will feel like drying off your shoes and flannel over-shirt. This movie honestly kinda still sucks compared to Michael Douglass’s Black Rain. But that’s just mostly cause the motorcycle decapitation scene in Black Rain (where the Big Trouble in Little China sidekick gets his head lopped off) was so elegant and memorable. Once you have had Purple Rain and Black Rain, you figure you have nothing left to lose by getting drunk and watching Hard Rain. Hell, I will basically watch any movie co-starring Randy Quaid (except for Major League II).

Author: Col. Wilhelm Bartholomew III

Leading the charge against societal decay!