Mr. No Legs Wrecks House

Tired of lame Hollywood action films? How about “feel-good” Hollywood films about disability? If you said yes to either of these questions, I’ve got a movie with you. “The Amazing Mr. No Legs,” aka “Mr. No Legs,” is a very low-budget but nevertheless satisfying film about a gritty, tough double-amputee crime boss who knows martial arts and gives the cops fits. Such actors as Richard Jaeckel and John Agar are helpless against our villain, played by Ron Slinker. Basically, the film is a showcase to show that a disabled guy can be just as badass as Bruce Lee.

In this film the star actually was a bi-amputee. That doesn’t stop him from doing flying jump kicks in slow motion from his wheelchair. The star takes the role seriously and seems to have tried to develop an actual martial arts fighting system which a bi-amputee can utilize. It is mostly based off of forearm strikes and blocks, while making Bruce Lee ‘waaa!’ type sounds. The lead is an inspiration to people everywhere, that there is never any excuse for not kicking complete ass! Sure, this guy could have stayed homed collecting disability. That would be way too easy though. Instead, our hero becomes a hit man for the mob. Even that is not a tough enough assignment for him. So he takes on the mob directly.

The production values are poverty row but it doesn’t matter. Quentin Tarantino needs to remake this film as soon as possible. Both the film and Ron Slinker are headed straight for the GROIN hall of fame, and this hard-to-find film is a must-watch. Go, Mr. No Legs, go!

Rasputin Imperial Stout is Primo

I was at a bottle place in Salinas the other day and someone was kind enough to order me an Old Rasputin beer off the tap at the brewery beside the movie theatre I was chillin at. ‘You gotta try it man!’ This Russian Imperial Stout beer from Northern California has a pleasing taste, sweet and gingery. At 9.0 percent, this beer made me very buzzed and happy. Its dark!

I saw “War for the Planet of the Apes” today, and it definitely lived up to the title. There was indeed a ton of action, and it rates as something of a must-see as it could be the last of the series. Admittedly, it was a little slow to get going, but once Woody Harrelson shows up as a cross between Trump and Hitler, I was totally into it. This flick is a gigantic epic that should be seen by all fans of the series. The action and special effects are excellent! So prepare to beat your chest and make ape noises, because “War for the Planet of the Apes” is the shit!

Jamaica Red Ale is actually a Stout or IPA

6.6 percent alcohol.

Raggae music sucks. My girl lives near the Fairgrounds and I hear their raggae concert annually. The music sucks and has like 2 chords. Now the modern music in Jamaica is way better. The rhythms are way more (modern) sophisticated and interesting. The vocals much less predictable and about twice as fast/ nuanced. It is music to bang/bling to over there, not to act like some 60’s Goodwill refuge who listens to Ben Harper/Phish on the side.

What about Jamaican beer? The common one, Red Stripe, is overrated and tangy. It does have cool packaging.

Stoner culture and the legalization of weed in California and other states has resulted in a brain-dead popularity of Jamaican culture by the American masses, who are stuck in a romanticized but boring era of Bob Marley. This beer is something I buy while stoned and sick of the other brands there (which rule) such as Holland’s Grolsch (lager). I have been to the Grolsch brewery in Holland by the way.

Jamaican Ale is advertised as a red. But its actually bitter and full , deep hops like an IPA. Hints of pinecone permeate the palate. Chocolate malts perhaps too. For a red drink Murphey’s or Killians Irish brands. Look for Aussie or S. African girls on vacation at that pub of you are in foreign lands and be aggressive.

Pale Ales are also sometimes mis-advertised.  Sierra Nevada is not a Pale Ale, it is too bitter. Bass is a true Pale Ale.

Would I recommend this beer Jamaican Ale? Yes, but as a stout or an IPA – not a ‘red’.


D.C. Cab is a Riot

Unlike today’s comedies which tend to be juvenile and mean-spirited, Joel Schumacher’s 1984 comedy “D.C. Cab” is genuinely funny and a quick-witted affair.  Although unheralded at the time, this flick about a struggling cab company has matured into comic gold.  Starring Mr. T, Gary Busey, Paul Rodriguez. and Adam Baldwin, this film has very little plot but nonstop madcap antics.  Although well-deserving of its R rating, the film is never sexist or disgusting.

Additionally, all the stars deserved better than they got; the film is much funnier than the current Will Ferrell comedy “The House,” for example.  In this film and the classic “Car Wash,” which he also wrote but did not direct, Schumacher displays a real skill for ethnic humor.  He knows that plot is unimportant but a quick pace and constant jokes are key.  Based on this film, it is borderline tragic that Mr. T. didn’t get better roles.  He is great here.  This film seems to lack the cult following it deserves, so we here at GROIN are putting it in our hall-of-fame as one of the greatest comedies of the 1980’s. We recommend renting it or buying the DVD today!

The Magus : An Occult Film

Leonard Maltin gives it a BOMB and Michael Caine hates it. Nevertheless, “The Magus” is one of the most interesting films of the 1960’s. Caine plays a man who ends up on an island presided over by the great Anthony Quinn, an island where nothing is as it seems. Quinn’s character, who seems inspired by Alastair Crowley and Prospero from “The Tempest” in equal parts, puts Caine and the audience through a constant psychological and intellectual mind.

Assumptions are continually uprooted, as Candice Bergen and Anna Karina romance and bedevil Caine. By the end, both Caine and the audience have been on quite a journey. This little-seen gem, written by John Fowles from his famous novel, comes from 1968, when it was considered OK to challenge an audience. This film is strange enough to rival “The Prisoner” and David Lynch. If you enjoy the cast and Bizarro Cinema, by all means rent or buy the DVD and give it a go!

All Eyez on…

Rather bored with what is on Netflix, I decided to go to the local cinema and check out two films with interesting subject matter. The first film, “Beatriz at Dinner,” stars Salma Hayek and John Lithgow and is a dark satire about how two strangers from wildly different ethnic and economic backgrounds end up meeting and clashing at a fancy, uncomfortable dinner at a mansion. Hayek plays a hard-working Mexican lady having a very bad day, and Lithgow plays a Donald Trump-like real estate mogul. Both actors bring shadings to their characters so that they are more complex than you might expect. Hayek subtly suggests that her character may be TOO good for this world, and Lithgow’s character, though clueless and boorish, makes a real attempt to connect with and understand her. This is a strange film and at first I wasn’t sure if I liked it, but after about half an hour of reflection I figured out that I really liked it. It’s short, unpredictable, and has real sting. I’ll not soon forget it.

“All Eyez on Me” is the new Tupac biopic, and it’s interesting though uneven. It covers, though it rarely reflects on, the tragic life of Tupac Kapur, mentioning his family connections to the Black Panthers, his success as Hamlet in school, his struggling but sincere mother, his trouble with the law, his friendship with Jada Pinkett Smith, his tumultuous tenure at Death Row Records, and his tragic and mysterious death. This is way too much for a 140-minute film to cover,, and as a result parts of it come off better than others. I did appreciate, however, the demystification of the gangster lifestyle. The last third of the movie is a trip through Hell, and the filmmakers deserve credit for depicting it frankly. Overall, however, this film is not good enough to recommend. Although a good attempt has been made, the film just doesn’t work. Very few characters are portrayed in-depth, and as a result the film becomes confusing. The actor playing Tupac is OK but not great. Still, if the subject matter interests you, you might want to check it out.

In conclusion, although I only liked one of these two indie films, they are both a nice break from summer Hollywood fluff. I hope interesting indie films continue to get wide releases because they can be worthwhile. “The Beguiled” is an another example that I will review soon.

The Sexbot Enigma

 (photo from the Guardian London)

A new study on the future of sexbots points out that the elderly and disabled will benefit. However , women will become objectified and consent will become a less important concept.

In theory this supposedly will lead to an uptick in maltreatment of women. And an uptick in fetishes.

Probably the study is wrong and that with many individuals currently sexually frustrated, that mass popularity of sexbots would cause people to be more fulfilled and happy, hence less problems. Totally utilitarian! As to the uptick in fetishes – who knows!

The Problem with Rough Porn

Rape allegations against James Deen are popping up again in a new documentary. I was in a scene along with him where we took on some chicks in a shoot at Kink. Honestly , it was a scene I didn’t do great at because it was so bizarre to me scene wise and also I get vertigo from the hills of SF and the giant ghostly, abandoned brick halls of the Presidio.  Deen was their big star.

After my audition I was told I could possibly be their next big star there, however I didn’t feel comfortable to do any of their websites basically because I was straight and vanilla (by comparison) . Kink was the biggest bondage studio in the world at the time basically. I ended up driving down to the studios in San Fernando instead, so I could do more normal scenes with my gf’s at the time to make some extra cash.

I remember standing in the hallway of the Presidio , next to one of the female talents and she was saying she hoped they didn’t try and fit her into this weird steel contraption that looked too small for a human and was animal shaped.

At the time I heard bad rumors about bdsm studios (one on Treasure Island stuck out) that some models were getting fucked while tied up for film shoots by a director who wasn’t tested and without permission etc.
Another time a model friend of mine signed up for a rough shoot (I was told they pay more ) and then came back brying saying she had been pinned in all these weird positions and almost raped.
(This was all many years ago.)

Having had a martial arts background which was about self-defense , I was never into rough sex. To me it violates the spirit of self-defense as a value to enact rough sex unless specifically asked for .

Bondage as a genre will always have legal liability problems especially involving consent due to models being tied up. Actors who cross over between bdsm and traditional shoots are likely to carry over their rough habits from domming into normal shoots, because switching (domming and subbing) is not common or highly valued. There will always be a grey area between where the viewers push for more roughness , and the actors get carried away. For that reason it is perhaps better to stay away from bdsm altogether , as it tends to draw unbalanced people to it.

That said, it is possible that serious married or monogamous couples could benefit from using bdsm as a fantasy type thing. It is something that should be eased into gradually so that there is not any question about consent.

Rough Night (at Bernie’s?)

I wasn’t expecting “Rough Night” to be very good because the reviews have been mixed to negative. Surprisingly, though, it was good. The film chronicles five women on a bachelorette party, including Scarlett Johansson as the bride-to-be and Kate McKinnon as an oddball chick from New Zealand. While the straight-laced husband-to-be is having a riotously dull bachelor party, the women are determined to party it up with sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll. Unfortunately, one of the women is so high that she knocks a male stripper to the ground, accidentally killing him. From that point on, the women conspire to cover up their accidental crime, while the husband frantically drives toward his wife, clad only in his underwear, to “win her back” because he erroneously thinks she dumped him.

What I liked about this movie is that it is funny, tells a story, and isn’t afraid to take some dark turns. I was worried this would turn out like “Bad Moms,” but it is closer to “The Hangover” meets “Weekend at Bernie’s” and “After Hours.” The actors are all very good and the film only slightly cheats on its premise. I felt that I had seen a wild but well-thought-out comedy. The Demi Moore cameo is fun too. Watch for the parody of the ending of “The Lost Boys”; it’s great! In short, if you’re looking for politically incorrect hilarity, check out “Rough Night,”

Sharks Should Trade Thorton

The San Jose Sharks have re-signed possible future Hall of Famer Joe Thorton to a one-year $6.5 million contract. The Sharks first signed him like a billion years ago, after he failed to make the Boston Bruins competitive. For many years Thorton has played hard and consistent, but there is little reason to believe the Sharks can win a cup with him (even at a good priced contract) because he refuses to stand on front of the net and screen the goalie on offense. Ever since the NHL shrunk the distance behind the net , it has negatively impacted Thorton’s ability to play Wayne Gretzky style , dishing the puck for assists from behind the opposing net. This also explains his success in international play tournaments as opposed to NHL action.

Thorton has had many years to find a way to compensate for the rule change behind the net. Also the era he has led where the team has long hair and beards (like homeless people) has a negative effect on the team, which lacks focus. The Sharks would do well to deal Thorton to a team where he could have better chemistry. He never recovered from having Jonathan Cheechoo get injured into being a minor leager. Thorton needs a Cheechoo (in his prime ) type player to feed the puck to in front. Thorton and Pavelski used to have this magic somewhat, but it has faded.