50 Shades Crummier

 (lame lead actor)

So I went to see 50 Shades Darker for a laugh yesterday. If you see this film, be sure to bring a basket of rotten tomatoes with you to throw at the screen. You would think these movies would have a clue how to be fun and sexy. There are plenty of quality guilty pleasures from the 90s in film, such as Wild Orchid, 9 1/2 Weeks, Full Moon Junction, and Showgirls. And bondage is a topic that should be easy to make interesting, since many people do not know much about that lifestyle. However, this movie was a total fail on all fronts.

 (lead actress is flat-assed)

Lets start with the fact that you are probably at this film with a date, and yet the movie begins with the male actor’s dad opening a can of whoop-ass on the mom – (in a black and white flashback from childhood), before heading towards the little boy with questionable intentions. At this point I was prompted to yell aloud: NOT HOT!!!

And so the plot begins… The control freak exec max-kinky dude shows up asking this flat-assed vanilla chick for a 2nd chance. On a side note one weird thing is I briefly dated and shot scenes with a low level porn star named Santina Marie who was dead look-alike for this girl’s bland personality and good looks, but with way incredibly nicer (and bigger) ass and tits. And the girl I knew was amazing at deep-throat and stuff. I think that is one reason this lead actress was disappointing to me. Also in terms of the lead actor I think someone like porn actor James Dean,  who I was in a pissing scene with (where we pissed on some chicks), would have more believable.

Here is a link to a few shoots she did. http://www.videosz.com/us/porn-star/10241_santina-marie I brought Santina into the industry for a month or two and we did private shoots together and went to a masked ball at Kink.com where I got mad and threw garbage cans ha. Kinda looks like a doppelganger of the girl in this film. Would have been better than the girl they cast.

(actress continually lies on bed like a dead fish in most of the sex scenes)

He does the standard thing sending her flowers first ( which she falls for), and then shows up. Though he fails to give him a half decent reason, “the terms will be different this time!”, she goes for it. The two also seem to have no chemistry, or personality, so maybe they are a match anyhow or something. I guess that’s how society is these days! There’s nothing better going on in their lives unfortunately than to focus on their very un-hot sex life together.

Next, we learn that the dude has stalkers, as well as former abusive mistress, played by Kim Bassinger. And he has to run this “Anastasia” chick by her and get her OK. Wasn’t that a Disney film title before?? Anyhow, all of this is not hot and any chick in real life would get the hell outta there. I will say that Bassinger’s role is amusing. It is a bright spot.

One more thing : ad nauseum Apple ad after Apple ad through the film . He buys her an Iphone as a gift even . Everyone keeps showing off their Imacs constantly. and there also a trailer for a movie about Apple showing prior to the film . Fuck Apple.

As far as the sex scenes here are my objections:

1) those vagina balls either need more lube ( lots of KY), or he needs to warm her pussy up before putting something that big in, unless she is taking big black cocks everyday or something.

2) I don’t get why is he supposedly so dom, yet he never pulls her hair while fucking her or slaps her in the face, or makes her drink his cum or anything. Very disappointing! Instead she stands there (flat-assed and small-breasted) in a way that is not seductive and anatomically incorrect, while he eats her pussy. She doesn’t barely moan or talk dirty or anything.

3) The chick in the film can’t even walk or talk in a way that’s sexy besides being flat assed. Any latina or black girl would have been sexier. White girls like this have no flavor. She has a bland personality.

4) Terrible R and B music comes on during every single sex scene. That is a crime when you consider that Danny Elfman was scoring this film, and they put on crappy R and B instead of his score throughout the film .

5) Movies like this need a love triangle or a manage le trois. Not a sexually harassing boss with no personality. Men like the main character need to stop acting so pussy whipped over a flat-assed bitch.

I could go on but I think you get the point about this film. It could very well sweep the Razzie Awards this year, due to its abundant futility.

Mickey Rourke knew how to treat a woman, unlike these putzes. If you want to be the man go study his early films. He doesn’t spoil the women, he treats them kinda poorly actually. Far from flying them around in a jet, or sailing them in a fancy yacht, Mickey would have them crawling on all fours to suck some strangers dick or fool around with some super hot chick in front of him in some seedy motel. Maybe it was to degrade them , or perhaps to fuel their passion via jealousy , like in a Tinto Brass Italian film. If you are not familiar with Brass I recommend his classic called “Cheeky”.

 

While pushing them to their limits and beyond sexually, he would test their psychology. Scenes like the body-food scene from 9 1/2 Weeks or the hotel scene and also the scene at the Brazil festival in Rio in Wild Orchid  – those scenes had strong sensuality from them clearly missing in recent films. Last Tango in Paris kinda started this genre back in the day. It peaked with Mickey Rourke in 90s, and its been pretty downhill from there. Mickey had the personality to pull these roles off. He was Brando-esque. A bad boy with good looks and personality. The key was that he was unpredictable, which the 50 Shades guy is not. Shows like True Blood (which is pretty good) are where people turn to for quality sleaze these days I guess, instead of the big screen. I think 50 Shades mostly does well because of the timing of releasing it near V-day, which is the worst of all holidays for men.

I think a better movie would be one about a dom sex-bot who keeps her slave man locked in a cage to serve her every need. She rewards him by occasionally letting him fuck her other hot sexbot friends. Now that would be a quality movie!

Author: Col. Wilhelm Bartholomew III

Leading the charge against societal decay!

2 thoughts on “50 Shades Crummier”

Comments are closed.