Salvaged: Part Three

 

The whole planet is now on fire. There is no longer anything here really worth salvaging. I have been searching junkyard after junkyard for some vessel to leave the Earth in. I finally found an old abandoned junk craft, which happened to be a medic evac. pod left over from the US-China War. It was in a dump by M.I.T. Very rusty and somewhat stale and acidic smelling, with some of the rubber interior having warped and deteriorated. But the rocket boosters still fired fine, and the gas tank had no leaks.

In the craft, I have stockpiled the following, among other things:

  • a sperm incubator kit, to hook up to my sexbot, so that I can repopulate the planet I land on.
  • a small vegetable garden
  • reading materials, mostly comics and noire
  • oxygen and a space helmet
  • tools
  • medical supplies
  • canned food
  • water and a condensation kit

Using methane nano-fuel, from the rotting corpses of neo-fascists, I am powering the ship (which I have named the Ginger). I am headed out towards Europa, where I will search out other life forms. The plan is to colonize that moon with my offspring, and to carve out a new manifest destiny, where rugged individualism can thrive, free of political correctness and free of government interference.

 

 

The First Half Assassination Nation is Great ; Second Half Not So Much

How did I end up seeing “Assassination Nation,” a low-budget indie film with a distinct lack of advertising? It was the most
interesting sounding movie that Movie Pass would allow my brother and I to go see. It’s about four popular high school girls in Salem (one of them a trannie) who are leading hyper-sexualized, promiscuous lives when suddenly a hacker rocks Salem by gradually making every member of town’s internet information available to everyone in town, one by one.

First the mayor is exposed publicly as a trannie, for instance, which causes him to publicly commit suicide. Then, the likable black principal of Salem High has possibly questionable pictures of his very young daughter made public, which causes the town to (unfairly) turn against him. What starts as a raucous dark comedy akin to “Heathers” becomes the “Super-Purge” as the entire town becomes violent and turns on each other and (more importantly) our four protagonists. In order to survive, the four girls have to turn hyper-aware and hyper-violent as no man in the town can be trusted (and no women either really).

This movie has a liberal, hyper-feminist and subversive message that I really can’t get behind; men and women in general are not as evil and judgmental as in this film. However, it is true that hysteria over the internet and people turning on each other is destroying our society, and so people need to calm down and look at the whole person. I am recommending this film because it is funny, violent, self-aware, subversive, rather unpredictable, and genuinely interesting. I do not agree with most of what writer-director Sam Levinson is saying with this film, but I do applaud the manner in which he says it. “Assassination Nation” is a surprisingly interesting film that deserves much better than it got at the box office. I would definitely recommend seeing it if you get the chance.

The Nun Was Fun

OK, there’s no getting around the fact that “The Nun” is not a great movie, or even (God knows!) a very memorable one. But it also must be acknowledged that the movie works. The story of a ghostly nun wreaking havoc in a remote nunnery, the film is ridiculous but this “true story” works more often than not. Part of this is due to Tessa Farmiga, sister of Vera Farmiga (who starred in “The Conjuring”), who has a good screen presence and part of it is due to producer James Wan (who directed “The Conjuring.”) There are a lot of good pop-outs and the concept (silly as it may be) has never been done before in a mainstream film. The cinematography is also excellent, with the film resembling a Hammer film (whether we’re talking Christopher Lee or “The Woman in Black”) in terms of how it looks. In terms of how it fits into “The Conjuring” universe, the film is enjoyable because it doesn’t take itself too seriously (unlike “The Conjuring” films and the atrocious “Annabelle” films.) There is a jump-scare about every 15 seconds and although I didn’t believe the story was “true” the scares were effective as I did jump a lot. If ghostly, havoc-wreaking nuns in far-flung environments with scary cinematography and jumps appeal to you, I will say this: “The Nun” was fun.

Unicorn Rape (A poem)

I was once raped by a unicorn,
I do not know if it was day, night, or morn.

Once upon a nightingale,
I was softly raped by a unicorn (drunk on ale).

Upon that forcible non-succinct memory,
I have formidably cast doubt on the nominee.

Twas’ forty years ago to this day,
That that giant unicorn caused my dismay.

Twas’ not one unicorn, but rather two or three,
That cause me to join the #Metoo movement so gleefully.

I condemn this system which failed to coddle me,
Forty years past, when the unicorns tried to rape me.

Sony to Rerelease PS1

In an homage to early 90’s gaming, Sony gas announced the December 3rd re-release of the classic PS1 system. For $99, it will come loaded with 20 games, including a classic Final Fantasy and a classic Tekken game. The system itself will be very compact, just a fraction of the size of a normal PS1. This comes after Nintendo successfully re-released the original Nintendo system, while selling over 5 million units.

Sexbot Nurses Are the Future

I recently underwent an emergency surgery. My blood count was at a critical level, and I was throwing up on my way into surgery. They cut out part of my intestines, and left me with a lot of medical apparatus and wounds I have to tend to daily. It is very hard to deal with the 3 month recovery time psychologically. There are times when I wish I could go about my normal business more, like having sex , working out, and exercising. However, resting, reading , eating, changing bandages, and light walking are mostly all I can do. What I really want right now is a sexbot!

I can’t really have sex with my girlfriend right now. This is simply because:

a) All the bandages and medical crap still attached to me (such as drains) make sex with me unappealing.
b) I am worried if she gets too into it she might lean on the incision or cause something harmful or painful to me.
c) There is a psychological barrier where I simply don’t feel comfortable making love to my gf until I heal more.

A sexbot nurse is the simple solution for all of this. A sexbot nurse could change my bandages for me + give me a relaxing blowjob, something many girlfriends don’t do very often anyways. This would be entirely therapeutic for me, as well as for other post-surgical patients. I think the stress reduction from such activity would likely speed up my recovery time.

If you have followed the news lately, you are aware there is sexbot persecution going on globally, from Rotterdam all the way to Austin Texas. Bureaucrats have little compassion for patients such as me , who need a sexbot , and maybe some weed as a painkiller. They sit high on their horses, abusing actual women through the power of their office and their prestige. Meanwhile, the little guy , like me, at the bottom end of the sex wars suffers from a lack of sexbot brothels and sexbot nurses.

With the #Metoo movement in full throttle, the time has come for men to move on towards sexbot utopia. Imagine if Kavenaugh could simply tell his accuser,” There is no way I committed sexual battery against you when I was fifteen years old. In fact, I only exclusively used my sexbot Shirley at the time, and I have DNA signature receipt deposits from that day to prove I was already sexually depleted and satisfied.”

PROBLEM SOLVED!

Salvaged Part 2

 

Journal Entry:
December 2045:

I have been stuck in this camp for far too long. Many of my comrades succumbed to death by being Jazzercized to severe exhaustion and dehydration in scorching 106 degree and very humid weather (for weeks on end straight). Rumor has it that armies of our mindless, brainwashed seed have conquered the majority of the globe. Most of those who have been interned have gone mad, and as a result, have been lobotomized. Meanwhile, the bums and people on the outside parade around in Armani suits, eating lobster and caviar, while listening to cheesy South American tango. Simultaneously, the entire prison population has fully mutated.

The guards made the mistake of having an idealist in their midst. Irwin Nikolai Jones decided to dress as Santa Claus and descend down the mega incubator one night. He possessed an algo-rhythm key code, designed by another defector, a top NASA scientist. It not only jammed the incubator, it also electromagnetically released the locks on every cell in every prison.

The mutants immediately began to slaughter the neo-fascists, while in a state of mindless synchronized dance.

I knew this was my chance to escape the God forsaken planet.

 

The Predator Is a Guilty Pleasure


I went to see Predators the other day. It happens to be directed by one of the actors from the first Predator film (the guy with the glasses in the platoon) and the trailer was awesome, as in totally full of action plus funny. So I went into this film having very high expectations. This film does have a lot of action, and it is also pretty funny. There also happens to be a very high body count involved. However, it is somewhat fleeting and unmemorable, with the exception of the set-up at the end, which I will elaborate on further.

The plot is basically: the Predator is being held at a government facility and they think they have it subdued. Meanwhile, an autistic boy has unwittingly found a Predator suit and accidentally summons a bunch of Predators to Earth. Unfortunately, it wakes up and kills everyone except for a few stragglers led by Olivia Nunn, who escapes by getting naked. Basically, The Predators are poised to conquer humanity. and only the Loonies (led by Nunn, Boyd Holbrook and Thomas Jane) can stop them.

Here is where the film falls short: too much humor. It’s hard to get too worked up about the threat of the Predator when there’s a one=liner every minute. Some of the humor is a little too on-the nose, such as when a character describes the Predators as “alien Whoopi Goldbergs.” Also, the films lacks a setting as interesting as a those of the first three.

In these couple of regards though it is a pretty decent and entertaining action & sci-fi extravaganza: the humor, when it lands, is effective. For example, there is a great gag involving a misunderstanding involving “eating pussy.” Also, it is revealed that the Predators want to use the best of humanity to mate with the Predators, which means that the autistic boy is in danger of having to mate with the Predators. There is a TON of action and unlike the previous films, there is a huge budget ($90 million). The set-up for a sequel at the end is surprising and effective.

Would I recommend this movie? Yes, but don’t expect a seriously memorable or mind-blowing experience. Personally, I like the first film, and then I like Predator 2, as well as Predators (with Adrian Brody). Let’s face it, it takes great actors to make a great movie. One more thing I would like to mention is that Alien v Predator 2 (yes, the one where there are teeny characters and the Alien ends up fighting in the HS swimming pool) is an abomination, and each and every last copy should be tracked down and summarily burned into minces. This one is not as good as the first three “Predator” films but is much better than the “AvP” films as well as the latest “Jurassic World” disappointment. If you’re a fan of the Predator films, don’t miss “The Predator.” It’s the year’s best monster film!

Salvaged: Part One

 

 

Journal Entry:
January 2041

I have been relegated to a colonial dance reformation camp. Cortez took over as Empirado, following the secret poisoning and coma of the controversial populist leader. We were injected with experimental serums, and our wealth was confiscated. I grew a third arm, and my head became malformed, in a triangular distorted shape, somewhat putty-like and malleable, with bionic infared eyes. SSRI injections were mandatory, but at least in the camps sex with robots was permitted. Whereas, in society at large, everything was now considered rape, due to the #MeToo Movement, and capital punishment often resulted for males. SSRI sex was often said to be dysfunctional, but I found it to be the best of my life. Of course, the state confiscated our seed and fed it into a mass incubator, growing a mindless army of young drone workers for the collective society. By day we were forced to work on mass synchronized dance moves. The energy was harvested to kinetically power air conditioning systems and entertainment systems for the elite. And on it went.