Damn That Devil-Dog Hellhound

You know a movie is good if the main character is a dog who mind controls people into killing themselves. For instance, if there’s a lawnmower, he will tell you to go stick your face in it and die. I applaud this B movie for having such an inventive plot. I also love the tedious, and ominous score. The one problem with the movie is the Satanic ritual that incarnates the dog with a spirit goes on for a bit long. But the sets and pace are great for a TV movie from that era.

Richard Crenna has had quite the career. He played Ross Perot in “On Wings of Eagles.” He faced off with Satan in the underrated “The Evil.” He was the annoying husband who gets bumped off in “Body Heat.” He was in the awesome 1989 film “Leviathan.” And, of course, he was Troutman in “First Blood.” All that undeniable talent gets put to the test in the hilarious cult horror classic “Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell.”

How bad is this movie? Well, it opens with a group of rich people performing a Satanic ceremony on a dog who is about to give birth. After that, one of the puppies is given to Richard Crenna and his family. They love the dog instantly, but the housekeeper Maria immediately knows something is wrong. She tries to light some candles for a Christian ritual, but it doesn’t work out and she burns to death. Soon the “devil” dog is on a rampage, killing other dogs and a few people she doesn’t like. In the end, the film comes down to Richard Crenna vs. the dog. Who will win? Watch and find out!

Date That Robot

A growing number of younger people are open to dating a robot, or sexbot according to a recent poll. 27 percent of those 18-24 are down with dating a bot. Men are three times as likely to be cool with the idea.


This could be a really good thing for society. With everyone working so many hours under such stressful conditions to make ends meet, the average couple is under too many time and financial restraints to enjoy each other any more, let alone to have time for raising little brats. Personally, I think people should be dating 2 or 3 sexbots at a time , plus a live human woman (on the side). Then, once in awhile, you could get all the sexbots together, PLUS your wing-woman and throw a raging disco sex fueled party, like the kind they used to have at Studio 54. But there will be no heavy drugs, plus no diseases. So this can be a long term lifestyle, and you will never get burnt out. You will save so much time and $ from ditching other more traditional family responsibilities. Life will be just grand!

Not Digging ‘The Mist’ TV Show

I dunno, a TV series of Stephen King’s “The Mist” ran 10 episodes on SPIKE last summer before quietly being cancelled. It was a great story and a surprisingly good movie. What happened? I’ll tell you what happened: bad acting and bad writing. Before the mist even kills its first victim, we get stuck with a politically correct date rape subplot. Long gone are the days where women got raped by trees in Evil Dead, any sympathy or interest we have in the show nearly dies right away because we want to see MONSTERS IN THE MIST, not politically correct date rape crap! The actors in the show are terrible as well, and I’ve never heard of any of them. I guess the issue is that they look twerpy and wimpy, having lived in an upper-class neighborhood, while having a generic image.

And here at Groin, we don’t care about your ‘teen party’ crap.

Unfortunately, not a trace of Stephen King’s skill writing characters made it onto this show, probably because they “re-imagined” the story instead of using King’s. The only thing decent about the show is the directing, as there is atmosphere in the mist and a few gory deaths. It’s a hard R show at least. But in the end, after watching the pilot on Netflix, this seemingly intriguing new show is a big dud. It doesn’t work and it’s not necessary. Memo to writers: more horror, less PC teen crap. Definitely skip this new “Mist.”

Media is the Pied Piper

One can learn a lot about current events from watching material from the past; that’s what I learned when I watched 1972’s “The Pied Piper.” Starring singer/composer Donovan in the title role and with Donald Pleasance in support, the film impresses far more than it should. The director, Jacques Demy, is obviously a great artist and maybe that’s why the film works so well. Set in Germany during the plaque, the film is realistically done yet has present-day applications. Donovan is great both acting and music-wise in the film.

I’ll say that the equivalent of The Pied Piper today is the media. Both left and right-wing media are at fault; it doesn’t matter. Promising to lead us out of the plague, they instead lead us off the fiscal cliff. Because we haven’t given them enough money, they send us to our doom. This nation is 60k per man, woman, and child in debt. That is morally wrong!

Like Franklin said, it was all over once the public realized they can vote themselves gains from the public trough. Now neither side has any intention of stopping the car before the cliff. They want to hold hands and drive straight over it together straight down into the Grand Canyon.

The media divides along every line, rather than bring people together. The only thing we are brought together for is to line up for our own long term financial insolvency: “Ladies and gentleman, step right up! You can be the next Venezuela!” How do you tell a country so eager to go broke from debt to stop it? Perot tried hard by showing large graphs showing US long term trends towards being a broke banana republic. He actually led that election for a while by making Americans aware of their impending doom.

Democrats march to the music by supporting the welfare state, social justice shinola, and income redistribution. GOP overspends our way to oblivion through excessive military spending, and by allowing corporations to have larger (unenforced) tax cuts than individuals. The media cheerleads all the misguided avarice and steers everyone towards the pipers.

Most of all, they imply that there is no hope. In a way, things are much worse now than they were in the Dark Ages, because instead of beautiful music or at least Donovan, we get Jay-Z, Taylor Swift, street gangs, and prescription drugs. And there’s probably more homeless now than there were during the Middle Ages. The movie does an excellent job of showing how people react to a crisis. It really is excellent cinema. Gorgeous sets permeate the film like a 17th century painting. Between the period detail and the applications that can be made to today (such as the youth being lead away to their doom) it really is a must-watch. Basically anything from the ’70’s with Donald Pleasance is awesome anyway. Buy “The Pied Piper” (1972) on DVD and you’ll have plenty to rant and rave about. It’s one of the great unseen movies!

Another thing to mention is that there is a parallel between the Pied Piper and Christ that no one wants to confront. The Apostles of Jesus were also led toward their own physical and financial doom on Earth. Because as a society we have ruled and voted based on morality of doing what’s right we have failed. Rather than bleeding hearts for every goody two shoe cause known to man. Rather than trying to vote ourselves a Utopian retirement scheme in SSI. Rather than trying to save every threatened nation in the world. We need to save ourselves first! We can do this by only voting for and spending on what is absolutely necessary for the nation’s survival. By voting ourselves so many frills, based on hubris, we have assured the demise of our nation. Its time to return to rugged individualism.

Cut government spending in half! The Leviathan must be cut down like a dying tree.

Death Wish 2 : Bronson Takes L.A.

If you like Charles Bronson and “Death Wish,” then you’ll want to see “Death Wish 2.” It’s not the best entry in the series, but it’s decent. In it, Bronson and his daughter have moved to L.A. at the behest of N.Y.C. police chief Vincent Gardenia. Bronson plans on having a quiet life but then his maid and daughter are raped and both die. Time to get out his trusty Beretta 84 and get revenge. As Jimmy Page’s score wails in the background, Bronson proves that every other action hero is a total wuss by comparison. By the time the ending electrocution occurs, your jaw will be on the floor as Bronson finishes his revenge.

This film got no stars from Roger Ebert, and I think that’s because the rape scenes are way too graphic and go on too long (now that the late 70’s, early 80’s are over) . If you can handle those scenes, the movie’s fine. Jill Ireland and Vincent Gardenia give good performances in support and a young Laurence Fishburne amuses as one of the criminals. The big difference between “Death Wish 2” and other entries in the series is that Bronson only goes after the criminals who killed his daughter and maid.

Jimmy Page did the score for the second and third installments of this series. His music was experimental disco sounding, but effective and memorable. What’s cool about it though is it keeps a dark tone. Ominous sounding disco like that is unique and fit the era of what the film was about. Page was awarded a Razzie for this score. However, its under-appreciated and has aged well. It is worth checking out. There’s some gritty British rock overtones as well.


Death Wish 3 Cleans Up the Hood

No action fan’s life is complete without seeing “Death Wish 3.” Back in New York to visit an old Korean War buddy, Bronson’s friend is soon killed and he is shocked to see what bad shape the slums of New York are in. To protect several new friends including Martin Balsam from a multiethnic neo-punk gang, Bronson, with the help of the local police chief, once again takes the law into his own hands.

Whereas the first two ‘Death Wish” movies took themselves seriously, this one is a romp in the Bronx. To begin with, we are presented with the idea that the N.Y. police would be cool with Bronson being a vigilante as long as he keeps them up to date on his activities. Then, we are asked to accept multi-ethnic, neo-punk gangs as plausible. This is easy to do because the bulk of the movie is Bronson killing people with his Colt Cobra until he gets bored with that and starts using a rocket launcher. Naturally, his new squeeze, a public defender, is killed, upping the ante even more.

“Death Wish 3” got really bad reviews because the critics didn’t realize IT’S A JOKE! The director, Michael Winner, had exhausted all plausible ideas with the first two films and, realizing what a strange place America was in 1985, decided to camp it up! If you’ve been dying to see Alex Winter as a heavy who needs to be dispatched by Bronson, look no further. If you’re looking for something that makes “Cobra” look realistic, you’re in luck! If you’re looking for a plausible thriller starring Bronson, try the first “Death Wish” or the original “Mechanic.” But for campy drive-in trash, “Death Wish 3” can’t be beat!

Leftist PC Groping Scandal Backfires

The mass hysteria over male ‘groping’ is reaching a climax. Democrats Al Franken and Jon Conyers are resigning from Congress. Kevin Spacey’s acting career is in ruins. Harvey Weinstein will be lucky to evade jail. What started as a PC feminist leftist outrage has culminated to a full scale witch hunt. This all started when it became acceptable to bring 30 year old charges against black right wing icon Bill Cosby. People imagined a revisionist history in which downers and sex were not the norm at places like the Playboy Mansion. The stuff Franken is being exiled for, such as trying to procure ‘kisses’ from female radio guests, or pretending to *pork* a sleeping radio show personality (who happened to look ridiculous in full camo – though I dunno if she was in the army or not), are offensive and juvenile. But if you have any sense of humor and lived through the 80s where skin flicks played on Cinemax every night, then you realize that this does not rise to any level of illegality. But that was back before they issued Barbie’s with a burka. Back when a 3 pointer in basketball was a few feet further back, and there were no ‘flagrant fouls’. Meaning, things were different back then.

Now, the GOP comes out on top, with Trump in the White House, and Roy Moore soon to be elected, both despite chauvinist appearances. The fact remains that Americans want their balls back. China can’t have them!Mexico can’t have them! Angry women who want to blame us for their discontent in life cannot have them either! We are keeping our balls intact.

We are not going to participate in their deranged public relations game. Ugly women have come on to me before. Get over it! We are all created equal, so lets compete on our merits, not on PC witch-hunts by a leftist media. Trump and Moore did the right thing. They fired back at their accusers and stood up for themselves, the way any self respecting man should. The fact that PC mass hysteria has resulted in a bunch of ball-less leftists resigning is very delightful in a personal sense. Another thing is that this is a targeting of what little talent was left in Hollywood and DC. You have Ben Affleck and a bunch of other people getting trashed too. But that’s another story.

Randy Quaid Will Crush Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders and his liberal ilk had better watch out. There’s a new sheriff in town. And his name is Randy Quaid. Quaid, of Vacation and Christmas Vacation fame, is taking on Bernie Sanders for his Senate seat. He has a reality TV show documenting his run. Quaid is a big time Trump supporter, and has enough of an independent streak to merit consideration from all sides.


His detractors will posit that Quaid is a mental case and should not be elected. It’s true he was put under house arrest while on the run from authorities for trespassing, vandalism, and unpaid hotel dues. He claimed that ‘star-wackers’ were out to get him. Probably the same people that killed David Carradine, Robin Williams, and Whitney Houston. Is Quaid nuts? No. Many Hollywood stars get in drug, real estate, credit card, and real estate debt. They are subject to termination by drug-dealers and loan sharks. Just like there is a shadow government, which Trump is fighting – there is also a shadow industry in Hollywood and the lime-light, in which dirty leeches suck the blood of the entertainment industry talent.

What makes Quaid qualified? Quaid, with his skepticism of Hollywood and government, and his innate understanding about the failures of liberalism (as evidenced by his portrayal of the dependent mooch uncle in Vacation) is just what Vermont needs. A good kick to the nuts of liberalism. Ok you want to pay higher taxes for do-gooder stuff??? OK , but you will have to house and pay for those dreamers yourself. You want free health care for all??? Ok but don’t be surprised if all the indigents and illegals cut in front of you in line at the hospital (and steal your cell phone to make expensive long-distance calls to Mexico city). You want communism? Ok, but you will have to let that homeless junkie ‘borrow’ your new BMW then.

Also, we have previously done a Randy Quaid tribute here at Groin. And we would like to mention that he is a very multi-dimensional actor, unlike DeNiro and Meryl Streep. Quaid can play LBJ. He can play Lenny from Mice and Men. He can play the cannibal dad in Parents. And we are quite certain that he can play Senator from Vermont better than PC socialist Bernie Sanders.

Personally, I would vote for Randy Quaid any day.

‘The Room’ A Post-Modern Masterpiece

The film sensation surrounding the success of the strange cult film the Room has been misunderstood as the glorification of mediocrity. On the surface this is true.

(Link to trailer for ‘The Room’) :


But really this film is a post modern classic which tells a deeper story of male disenchantment in a world of upside down and self centered morality. Not to mention that the rent is too high and the city smells like garbage (with homeless people everywhere).

In the film the protagonist has a cheating no good , not that hot fiancé. She is self centered to the point of having no empathy for anyone. She acts only upon her own dominant whims. The friends and neighbors in the story are all kind of just ‘there’, causing problems with their own moral obliviousness.

The hero of the film lives a romantic and self determined lifestyle, and is moral to a fault. He cannot survive in a depraved , self centered city such as SF. Cuts which people thought were stupid, such as the café ordering scenes, are thoughtfully placed throughout the film to emphasize the shallow nature of modern city life.

The concept of the room is not just the one room the hero bangs his fiancé and kills himself in. The room is a metaphor for the soulless, morally bankrupt city of SF. The long screen shots of the Golden Gate bridge are meant to warn the viewer that SF sucks, and the hero is thinking of jumping off the bridge. The film is meant to channel Camus’s classic novella The Fall.

The viewer is left with the gripping reality that we all have contributed to the death of the hero. As we have ‘torn him apart!’

Presumed Innocent Sequel Prevails

In the late 1980’s Scott Turow’s first novel “Presumed Innocent” set the publishing world aflame with its sexual explicitness and its dense, riveting mystery. It was a number one best-seller and was turned into a classic thriller film with Harrison Ford. Twenty years later, Turow came out with a sequel called “Innocent” which is not sexually explicit but does have just as riveting a mystery. Why does it work so well?

At the end of “Presumed Innocent,” the protagonist Rusty Sabich is acquitted of murder charges. At the beginning of “Innocent,” he gets implicated in a woman’s death again-this time, his wife’s. He ends up on trial again and even his loving son Nat wonders if he is guilty or not. Further complicating matters is Anna, Nat’s girlfriend, who used to be lovers with Rusty and may have some involvement with the wife’s death. As the trial goes on, the twists and turns continue.

“Innocent” is a spellbinding thriller because it keeps you guessing till the end. The guessing is not so much who killed whom as it is what twist and turn in the trial is coming up next. The novel is told from the point of view of several different characters, which actually helps build suspense about what’s going to happen. Several characters, such as Rusty and the prosecutor Tommy Molto, have complicated character arcs and many good and bad character traits. That sort of complexity is a breath of fresh air in an age of writing for dummies. I was spellbound through 400+ pages of this book, and by the end I felt I had been put through the literary ringer. In short, if you’re looking for a great thriller, try “Innocent”!